It turns out I have some explaining to do........!

I don’t really know where to start… the last couple of days have been a whirlwind to say the least and the media train shows little sign of slowing down. When we took part in the shoot back in July I had very little hair and even less of an idea about just how popular this campaign would become.

Those of you who know me best are more than aware of my ongoing determination to do something positive with this experience; be that encouraging other women to be more pushy with their Doctors or simply offering encouragement to other ladies who may be going through a similar experience. Earlier this year, a very lovely friend forwarded me a Facebook appeal from Breast Cancer Now who were looking for models to take part in a campaign that they were designing with a retail partner. Little did I know that the retail partner in question would turn out to be my employer nor that 2 months later I would be inundated with messages from colleagues across M&S as they recognise my bald head in shop windows! 

The experience has been too emotional to put into words. The shoot took place on my final day of radiotherapy and I could not think of a better group of people to celebrate with, all of the other women in the shots have been affected by the disease so could instantly relate to the emotions that I was feeling, I think it brought everything back which is why there were so many tears on the day but Rosie, Amanda and the M&S Team treated us with such compassion and dignity that we were able to enjoy the moment together and I think that shows in the images that were shared with the world yesterday.

I’ve spent most of the day writing guest blogs and dialling into interviews with the likes of The Sun as I travel around Aberdeen trying (in vain) to concentrate on my day job. I have no idea how big this is going to get but it has become clear that the blog is resonating with many people on a very personal level and that means so much to me.

We must never lose sight of the fact that this fight against cancer is far from over. We need people to see past the pink fluffiness and photos of us in our pants to recognise what needs to be done to stop people dying from this disease. My motivation is to help to raise £13million so that 9,000 women can be saved every year, it’s also to try and ensure that Erica never has to face this wretched disease but even more than that it’s about the wider cancer battle…

I have been called brave and inspirational but I have simply done what every other mother/wife/daughter/sister would have done in the same situation - everyone wants to survive, let’s try and make sure that fewer and fewer people are put into this situation in the first place.

This blog and my part in this campaign is dedicated to my amazing 2nd Cousin Jamie who is a million times more inspirational than me and to the gorgeous Catherine who lost her epic battle at the weekend and was the ultimate example of someone who fought cancer with grace and a smile.

#fightlikeagirl

The one where I cry in front of the world.......

The one where I get the all clear...

I'm sitting on an empty commuter train at a time that's far earlier than I'm accustomed to after being sent home from the office with tears in my eyes, champagne in my belly and a multitude of mixed emotions... relief....joy....optimism....determination...fear....

I got the news at around 3pm this afternoon, Nathan had phoned the hospital to chase them up and got the most torturing response possible "we have your wife's results but we're not allowed to discuss them, we'll send them to her surgeon". A couple of hours later, I left a message for his secretary to try and get hold of him, not long afterwards the dreaded "NO CALLER ID" showed up on my phone, we all looked at each other at the desk and I made my way into an empty office to be able to take the call.

Mr Rashed's secretary explained that he had left for the day and would not be back until tomorrow, she is such a wonderful lady and has helped me through so much of this wretched journey so knew that there was no way that I could wait that long... "Mr Rashed says that if the report makes it clear that nothing has been found then I am allowed to tell the patient, if there is anything untoward or unusual then I have to pass it onto him........ there is nothing untoward......" 

There really is nothing that prepares you for whichever way that conversation was going to go. I knew that I would cry regardless and was glad to have the privacy to get it out of my system before returning to the expectant faces - who then promptly opened the champagne they'd stashed in the fridge! At the back of my mind I know that I still have 5 years of tests and worry ahead of me but this was the first hurdle to get over and the first time my surgeon has been able to give me some good news.

Our weekend away could not be better timed and I can't wait to get home to give Erica a massive kiss, Nothing ever prepares you for this type of experience, it's a cliche to say that the journey changes you but it really is true. When you look death in the face and blow it a great big raspberry you only do so with the confidence that you have a plethora of supportive family and friends backing you up.  

This stage of my journey is over, now to put it to some good use, thank you for being there for me, you're awesome. 

p.s. Rather randomly, as I was driving home from the station, this song came onto the radio.... someone has been looking out for us...

#fightlikeagirl

The scan day is nigh....

So I FINALLY have a scan date, it's scheduled to take place at Woodlands Hospital on Tuesday, rather ironically it's exactly one week before the big reveal (probably a bad choice of words) and I can't decide whether or not I want the results before I have to face the media. Needless to say, we're keeping everything crossed for a big fat NED (no evidence of disease) and I will be sure to keep you posted. My priority at the moment is to keep myself sufficiently occupied in order to keep my mind off the impending news while simultaneously making the most of every single moment of sweet, sweet obliviousness. Erica started school last week at the same time that I re-enrolled onto the MBA with the encouraging news that I only have 4 more modules and a dissertation to complete at the same time as I readjust to full time work, I've come back swinging and am loving every single minute!

The hair has started to take on a life of its own and is looking scraggly enough for its first trim, luckily enough, I have an appointment with an awesome (and still secret) celebrity hairdresser  in order to make myself presentable for the media circus, he had promised me a cut when the locks returned and has remained true to his word. We're also looking forward to spending next weekend in the gorgeous Strattons Hotel thanks to the fantastic team at the Willow Foundation, a charity who arrange special days for people with critical illnesses. I remain dumbstruck by the kindness that  people continue to show, despite some unfortunate episodes where individuals continue to take advantage of my situation my faith in the human race remains intact; safe in the knowledge that the universe will always right itself.

I'm hoping that you're enjoying the new design, I've discovered some widgets that allow you to see the most popular blogs, keep track of the views and a subscribe button so that you never miss out on the random ramblings that I choose to share with the world. 

#fightlikeagirl

If you try you may lose.... if you don't try you lose for sure - Jens Voigt

Well, my altercations with BUPA continue in earnest and I'm hoping to be able to post a resolution soon before being forced to unleash my worst on social media!

I have gradually been shedding the steroid pounds by setting my alarm for silly-o-clock, rounding up our overly-enthustic labrador and jogging around Rusden Lakes. My recent preference for running does not sit well in a household that's obsessed with cycling but I'm not ashamed to say that I've started to enjoy it. The first couple of outings were hellish, it was like trying to run with dead-weights around my ankles. I mentioned this to my surgeon as I was worried that it may be an indication of cancer in my lungs but he responded with a rueful smile and told me that it's most likely the chemotherapy drugs that are still in my system, it'll take a couple of months for them to clear and I'm going to view it as resistance training!

My blossoming relationship with running has acted as a bit of a metaphor for my recovery, it's amazing to see my performance improve week after week and helps me to feel as if I have some sort of control over this stage of my journey. People ask me whether all of the surgery and treatment have improved my pain threshold, I can assure you that it has made absolutely no difference; chemotherapy provided me with a welcome respite from the plucking and waxing required to manage the (unmentionable) body hair and my recent reinstatement of that particular routine is proving to be more painful than ever!

What I have noticed however is the strange relationship that I've developed with suffering. I have discovered a very odd switch which I didn't previously know was there.  Somehow, I manage to find a way to drown out my screaming legs and lungs by simply reminding myself of how chemo felt - it acts as a bit of a reset button which is where I essentially say to myself "you think this is suffering, you know what real suffering feels like, stop being such a baby."

As the countdown to the 'big-reveal' reaches 20 days, I start to plan a number of guest blogs that I have been asked to write. I don't know how to summarise my experience in a single blog but will likely focus on the cathartic effect that writing this blog has had on me. The fact that you are all continuing to read and share it as widely as you have is still unbelievable. I love writing it and want to thank you for humouring me.

PS, still no scan date, that's a WHOLE other BUPA fight, will keep you posted! 

#fightlikeagirl

The one where I pick a fight with BUPA

As you'll probably recall, I had my radiotherapy at NHS Northampton General Hospital and they were absolutely fantastic, a cohesive caring team who made a potentially dreadful experience enjoyable - I haven't laughed so much in months! What I wasn't expecting at the end of it was a bill to arrive for £2,500 with a demand that I make a cheque for said amount to the NHS......! Needless to say, I was dumbfounded and immediately got onto the blower to BUPA to find out what was going on.

BUPA "Did you pre-authorise your radiotherapy?"

Me: "No, I had it on the NHS"

BUPA: "You should have pre-authorised it"

Me: "But I've been paying taxes for 19 years, nobody else in that waiting room had to pay for their radiotherapy"

BUPA: "You're a private patient"

Me: "So why didn't I get private radiotherapy?"

BUPA: "We don't offer private radiotherapy"

Me: "Why didn't you tell me I would get a bill for it?"

BUPA: "You didn't ask"

.... and on and on and on it went. All I can say is that they have picked a fight with the wrong girl, this whole experience has taught me a very important lesson, private medical insurance is great if you've got a bit of a poorly knee and want a comfortable stay after your operation, for critical illness you can't beat the NHS. Cancer on private insurance is an administrative nightmare (I had a bill for £3.50 the other day for "dressings" as I had a plaster during my final round of chemo and it hadn't been authorised.....)

Don't get me wrong, there are many elements of private cover that are brilliant - chemotherapy at home, the best anti-emetics known to mankind and access to some of the best medical professionals in the UK; what tarnishes the experience entirely is the requirement to manage your own treatment at a time when you just need them to be on your side (oddly enough, that's their slogan).

I'm still not allowed to talk about what's happening on 29th September but I have offered BUPA a choice, sort this out before then or they will find my rants about them will go viral, internationally viral....!

Damn, it feels good to be back!

#fightlikeagirl

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you...

The only excuse I can come up with to explain my blog tardiness over the last couple of weeks is the admission that my life is starting to merge into some sort of normality and therefore should not demand any more attention than it did before we started out on this journey together. Whilst I am still under the care of an Oncologist, I am - for all intents and purposes - no longer a cancer patient. 

My post-treatement scan is due to take place in the first week of September, I’ll continue to take Tamoxifen for at least the next 2 years and will have annual mammograms but those are the only things (coupled with my ‘vigilance’) which will act as my safety net. They advise you be vigilant for symptoms that the cancer may have reoccured or spread but not to allow it to take over your life, that’s easier said than done. They could just as easily have said “off you go into the wilderness, there’s a chance you could be mauled to death by a bear but don’t let that worry you….. just keep an eye out for bears”.

Our trip Rhodes was a perfect way to end the chapter, it’s the first time we’ve succumbed to the package holiday experience but rather than feeling trapped by the walls of the resort we finally got some quality time together just the 3 of us. Sun-worshipping was well and truly off the cards as my chest has gone a lovely shade of purple and has started to peel but I was assured by Mr Rashed this afternoon that it looks very healthy indeed (he must have seen some nasty sights if mine looks healthy…. no photos, it’s not pretty!) 

I was forced to spend my time sitting in the shade drinking the all-inclusive cocktails and sniggering as the lifeguards chased after Erica as she hurled herself into the deep end of the pool (no idea where she gets that from!) Here's a video of Nathan and Erica enjoying the evening entertainment.

What else? Oh yes, the barnet… it’s taking on a life of it’s own! They say that your hair grows back very differently following chemotherapy and I am never one to disappoint. It seems to be coming back some kind of weird ash-blonde but it could be growing back green for all I care, with each passing day I am starting to look more GI Jane than Jabba the Hutt!

All I can say about the teaser from my last blog is to watch this space.... until 29th September...

#fightlikeagirl