“Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” - Bertrand Russell
I still find it inconceivable that a complete stranger would be cruel enough to shout "Oi, baldie" as I passed him and his sniggering friends, what I also find incredible is the spiral of darkness that one single event managed to push me into. As I sat down wiping away tears of embarrassment and rage, I then made the ill-advised decision to watch "the c word".
As predicted, I spent the next couple of days pondering my prognosis and carrying around the sinking feeling that I may not get out of this alive. I wonder if that group of bastards have any comprehension of the impact that they can have on someone in one single moment of ignorance. In her blog, Lisa Lynch describes the impact that breast cancer has on your confidence; it's so much more than just losing your hair it's about losing your femininity; how can I expect my gorgeous husband to find me attractive when he spends chemo weeks shopping for nappy rash ointment and jumbo packs of toilet roll?! This crappy situation has robbed me of my boob, my figure, my hair, my eyelashes and my confidence. I think I have spent the last couple of months in a state of denial which manifested itself in the positivity that I continue to be "congratulated" on.
Whilst I won't allow myself to blame my boo on a single incident, I do need to find a way out of it. There is so much more to be thankful for, my hair will grow back, Mr Sanker will sculpt me a fantastic new rack and my bike will allow me to rediscover my size 10 curvaceousness; the constant things in my life are the most precious and the things that getting me through - the fact that I am still breathing, my gorgeous sprog and my incredible family and friends.
Please bear with me, normal service will resume shortly!